So my family and I were watching the cartoon film, "Kung Fu Panda" last week, and it occured to me that Po, the Panda and I are roughly the same shape,(small at the top, round in the middle, smaller again at the bottom) and doubtless I look about the same as he does when I exercise, huffing and puffing and getting it done, but sporting a ball of pudge in the middle as I do so. Yet Po, who refused to be daunted by the fact that, though he'd dreamed of learning Kung Fu all his life, the master didn't want to teach him and the other students laughed at him and rejected his friendship, still managed to use his size to his advantage to beat the evil Kai Lung in battle. Kai Lung taunts him by saying he refuses to be defeated by just a 'big fat panda' and Po responds "I am THE big fat Panda," and goes on to kick the much stronger tiger's butt. If nothing else, I know that I am in much better shape than I was 2 years ago when I started at Work It Out. I have less body fat and I am firmer in many places. But it does get disheartening to realize that my upholstered belly is going to be the last thing to go as I lose weight, and that all the effort I spend working my abdominal muscles will never show until the belly is gone.
Meanwhile, I'm on a new carbohydrate rotation program, kindly tailored to my dietary restrictions/requirements by Carol Kayler, the wonder woman of Maple Valley.
The best thing about the plan is that I have to enter all my food choices into Sparkpeople's food tracker and I can see how many calories, carbs, fat and protein I consume each day. The tough thing is that I have to cut out a lot of the carbs I am consuming, and I have to up my protein and water intake. Not unlike real Panda bears, I am not a big fan of protein, preferring breads/cereals and fruit to any other food category. But if I am to remove some of the stuffing from my gut, I have to get low on the carb scale and make sure my portions are regulation, or single-serving size.
This also means I have to go hungry at least once a day, because I can't eat until I am full. While this wasn't a problem for me 20 years ago, I am finding it is much harder to go hungry now that I am a fat middle aged housefrau on the verge of menopause. On this plan I am not supposed to eat after 7 pm, which is nearly impossible because my diabetic hubby doesn't get home until 6 pm, when I then rush to don the stretchy pants and drive off to WIO for 6:30 class every evening. I don't get home until 7:45, and I am always hungry for supper then. I usually have consumed all the carbs I am allowed by 4 pm, so I try to keep it to protein and vegetables or fruit, but by 10 pm I am always starving, stomach growling and yearning for some kind of carb that has crumbs, like cornbread or cereal. So there I am, watching one of the programs I've TiVo'd after Nick goes to bed, fighting myself tooth and nail to not run upstairs and have some toast and tea, or a bowl of cereal with soymilk. And since being on this food plan, my Crohns has decided to flare every other morning, so I don't feel like eating the only meal that I am encouraged to eat, breakfast. All the whole grains, fruits and vegetables are good for my health, I am sure, in the general sense, but my colon hates them. Another troublesome aspect of my new food/lifestyle plan is that I am only allowed one day off from workouts. I was giving myself two days off, mainly because I spend four hours most Tuesdays exercising, two walking, one in Pilates and one in spin. I figure that should earn me an extra day without sweat. But now I am supposed to step it up even more and have two heavy training days, which I am unsure how to accomplish without falling to complete exhaustion. Still, one of the few traits I possess is to be dogged and persistent, and keep trying until I just can't do any more. So, like that big fat Panda, I fight on and just keep doing the best that I can. Though I have a goal of losing 60 pounds by summer of next year, I often think that I probably won't make it, nor do I know where I will get the money to fly back for my 30th high school reunion, so its highly unlikely that I will go. I find myself thinking that if God had meant me to be svelte more than once in my life, He would have given me better genes from the thin side of the family, instead of carbon copying my shape from the fat barrel-shaped bozos on my dads side of the family (fortunately I didn't inherit the huge ugly nose that plagues that side of the family as well).
So why bother to put myself through all this again? I don't know. Maybe because I am stubborn and don't want to be a quitter, or maybe because I enjoy feeling more muscular and firm, and I like working out with other women and hearing their stories. I am a very social creature at heart, and I like sharing sweat time with other people. I'd also like to think I am reaping some health benefits from working out, if nothing else to stave off osteoporosis, breast cancer and heart attacks/stroke, which, in addition to diabetes, have been a plague on my family for generations. In the end, though, I know I can't respect myself if I don't try to regain the figure I had after losing 100 pounds with Women at Large in the 1980s. All I can do is move forward, and keep doggedly trying to win the struggle with myself.
