Accept The Body You Have

"The robin does not mourn that she isn't a meadowlark. The blackbird doesn't yearn to become an eagle. The sparrow glories in all she is.
Why do you strive to become something you aren't? Glory in who you are. Rejoice in your uniqueness. Be... you. Release your message. Relish in all you are."
Beth Ann Erickson from Writing, Etc, Filbert Publishing

As spring finally melts our chilled exteriors and makes way for new life and new perspectives, I've been thinking about my weight loss journey, in particular this year's grueling months of attempting to stick to a lower carb diet plan while working out at least 6 times a week for an hour or more.
The recession has taken its toll on my family and our finances, and, like many families, we've had to rely on local food banks and the help of friends donating food to make it from week to week. We've not been able to afford high quality protein more than once a week, and instead of the expensive lunch meats, we've had to make do with cheaper, more fatty fare like ham or bologna. Local grocery stores are so high priced with produce that I was beginning to despair of ever being able to afford apples, dates or zuccini again, until my wonderful neighbor told me about DK Market tucked away behind Walmart in Renton. Their prices on produce, like apples and zuccini, are 75 percent cheaper than the grocery stores here in Maple Valley. On our first visit we were able to get two kinds of apples, some zuccini, lemons, salad greens and carrots, as well as dates and figs to help me assuage my sweet tooth.
I have a neighbor who gleans breads and cereals and occaisionally some produce from local stores after the food bank is done taking what they want.
Unfortunately, I am not supposed to consume much bread or cereals, and instead I am supposed to fill up on meat/protein and vegetables, though my Crohns doesn't really gel too well with that dietary regime. I am allergic to eggs, dairy, nuts and onions, as I've said before, and it appears that I've developed an allergy to raspberries and strawberries, as whenever I eat them my face breaks out in a rash. Eggs and nuts are the preferred source of protein these days, along with fish like salmon and chicken breasts, both very expensive items at the store. I've tried eating more soynut butter, since I am allergic to peanut butter, but it doesn't have enough protein in it to really make that much of a difference in the small quantity that I am allowed.
With all that in mind, adding in the huge amounts of stress I've been feeling since my husband has been out of work and my Crohn's getting worse, and you can imagine why I've not been losing weight recently.
I don't think that my eating habits have been necessarily horrible, however, because though I have been eating too many carbs, they've been, for the most part, good carbs in vegan whole grain oatmeal raisin cookies, or maple and brown sugar instant oatmeal packets for snack, or a cup of dates or home made applesauce. Yes, I have transgressed at McDonalds, but only for a fish filet with no cheese or tartar sauce...and yes, I do realize that it's still fried fish and not great for you nutritionally, but it was a cheap lunch with my family, and that's going to happen sometimes, I can't avoid it. I have also eaten Lays baked potato chips, which aren't great for you, either, but they are better than french fries or regular chips.
So while I have failed to be perfect in my dietary habits, I have modified them enough so that I feel that I am eating healthier and better than I would have otherwise.
I also exercise at the wonderful Work It Out Women's Fitness gym 6 days a week for at least an hour, if not 90 minutes to 120 minutes several times a week. I exercise more than anyone in my family, or my neighbors and most of my friends. I am dedicated and persistent about work outs, though I am usually the largest person in the room. I don't let the fact that I can't do some of the moves get to me, either, though you'd think I'd be able to leap tall buildings after two solid years of aerobics and weight training. I just do the best that I can in class and take OTC pain relievers to soothe the aches and pains away after all the muscles I've developed start to scream at me before bedtime.
Yet despite all the hard work, I still don't like my body, and am highly critical of how my sagging, splotchy skin looks, or how my belly still protrudes, though its not nearly as big as it was 50 pounds ago. If anything, instead of making me appreciate who I am, my exercise and eating habits have made me tougher on myself, less likely to appreciate how far I've come and angrier at how age and disease have taken their cruel toll on what little looks I once lay claim to.
So I am opting out of the diet portion of the regimen I've been on for the past 6 months, and I am going to try to just continue to exercise and learn to appreciate my body while forgiving my appetites instead of railing against them for a change. There is too much struggle in my life now, too many places where rejection lies in wait for me, and I am weary of that struggle and its painful blows to my self image.
I will soon be facing an operation on my intestines for a stricture caused by Crohn's Disease, which will certainly have an effect on my upholstered belly. Whether or not it's a good one remains to be seen.
But I want to be able to go under the knife calm and accepting of my guts, and not tense and fearful that I am not reaching someone elses expectations of what I should do, should eat, should be. I need to be able to appreciate what I am, fat belly, sagging stretch marked skin and all. I need to appreciate that I have a husband and son who love me as I am, and not care about some people I knew in high school, who probably are still jerks and snobs, 30 years later. I doubt I will be attending my high school reunion anyway, and I certainly don't need to set myself up for failure by trying to lose a lot of weight before the summer reunion, when most of the people I want to see are dead or wouldn't attend anyway. The one person who knew me in high school has already reconnected with me on Facebook, and that's fine.
So, onward, upholstered belly, and straight on til sunset!