I haven't written here in three years, and I have only my flagging health and self esteem to blame. I've gained over 100 pounds and added a diagnosis of PCOS and Sjogren's Syndrome to my list of ailments and disabilities, so now I sometimes have to walk with a cane, and I can barely get from one part of the room to another without wheezing and feeling short of breath. I've tried to work out with a lovely personal trainer named Stephanie this year, who comes to my home and helps me work with resistance bands and weights, and never asks me to do more than I can handle. In fact, she always keeps up a steady stream of conversation to ensure that I am not overdoing it.
Meanwhile, my Crohns is doing well on Remicade, which I feel has been treating my body like it's on cortisone since 2014...hence part of the weight gain (PCOS and menopause are the other parts, in addition to having regular bouts of pneumonia so that I had to quit the gym because I couldn't breathe and had to take tons of antibiotics to recover). This year I had a very expensive pneumonia vaccination and a flu shot to keep me from ending up in the hospital with bronchitis or pneumonia, and I have been lucky that so far they've been fairly effective, with only a couple of bad colds/infections that I've had to deal with. This week I'm taking Diflucan to get rid of a persistent yeast infection, and for some reason it's helping my sinuses and my lungs.
Still, as my weight inches up, I can't seem to get around without taking tiny, shuffling steps, and I can't stand for more than 15 minutes, even in the shower, without feeling faint and my back burning with the arthritis the rheumatologist showed me is there. I have heinous edema in my ankles, feet, lungs, knees, hands and face, and I have to take Lasix twice over 24 hours in order to keep mobile and feeling like I'm not drowning. I also have a nebulizer with albuterol that I used twice a day to keep my lungs clear, along with nasal sprays and antihistamines.
Being such an extrovert, I really miss getting out and talking to people, and having tea with friends, but I rarely go out these days. My neighbor/friend has health issues to rival my own, and makes excuses not to see me, so we've only been out to have tea once this year. Another friend and I have gone out for tea and a chat, but she is about 15 to 20 years younger than I am and therefore has a busy work life and church life to deal with, so I don't see her much, either. My monthly book group has been my social saving grace, but it's only for an hour and I often linger to talk to the librarians because I am starved for social contact with like minded bibliophiles.
Speaking of bibliophiles, thank God and all of creation for books, my stable passion for the worlds that unfold between their pages has never abated. Though I need stronger reading glasses this year, I still manage to put away 4-5 books a week, and I blog about them religiously on my butterfly books blogspot page, where I am almost to my 650th post! Since my journalism career is moribund, my book blog is the only place left to practice my writing skills and keep myself in tune with my love of words.
My son, who graduated from high school with honors this past June, is now driving everywhere in our old Nissan, so he often takes me to book group (where he is hailed as the conquering hero...all the ladies adore him, and he's charmed them with his dry wit and compassionate intelligence) and to my Remicade appointments, where after I'm done, he and I sneak off to Enumclaw's used bookstore to peruse and purchase books, expressly against my husband's wishes, because Jim is always saying that I have too many books to read as it is (I keep telling him you can NEVER have too many books!)
Though I have been turned down for social security disability 5 times now, I believe I am fortunate that I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a family to love. I can still bathe and dress and feed myself, and I have plenty of lovely books from the library and bookstore to read and enjoy. There's also Netflix and Redbox and the DVR for shows that I want to watch and can't miss. My mom is only a phone call away, and at nearly 81, she's still sharp as a tack. My father, who now lives in a nursing home, has been through a bout with pneumonia and two of Cdiff, and is skinny, white haired and confused most of the time, as he wrestles (at age 86) with dementia. I only hear about him through his 4th wife, who sometimes will let me talk to him over the phone, where he can barely hear or speak due to deafness and loss of all of his teeth (his wife is trying to get him dentures). But dad is a tough old guy, and my younger brother goes to check in on him every week, though he knows dad probably won't recognize him half the time. Dads siblings, my aunts and uncles, still come around once a month to also chat with dad, and often they watch a football game with him on TV. My dad loathes being isolated as much as I do, so I find myself wishing I had the wherewithal to hop on a plane and go visit him for awhile, and then slip back out of Iowa and fly home. I wish that I could be a better daughter, and let him know how much I love and miss him. I try to keep in contact with mom each week, and I send her books and tea as often as I am able.
I tire so easily now, and I'm already worn out, exhausted from a day where I went no further than the kitchen down the hall from my bedroom, which can, at times, feel like it's miles away. But I fight on, like Don Quixote, like Cyrano, like all the dreamers who dream of rising above the limits of their bodies and their circumstances. Blessings to you all, good night.
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