I've enrolled in Janice's very tough 4 week boot camp, mainly because she's been kind enough to give me a free ride, (because I'd written a story about her bodybuilding journey) and because Carol says that I have graduated from the easier 6 week boot camp and I'm ready for a good pounding from Janice.
The first week started out on the wrong foot, when I ate a cup of Kalamata olives the Sunday night before and bloated up with 6 extra pounds of water weight. I was astonished at the number on the scale, but was being processed so quickly that I didn't say anything to Janice about it. Then I noticed that there were 8 or more men in the group, and that many of the women were hardbodies who didn't look like they really needed any kind of fitness challenge. I was only able to jog and walk in intervals for a mile, and my time was a wince-inducing 18 minutes. Almost everyone else did the mile in 9-14 minutes.
Then Janice made it clear that she's not Carol by having us do tons of push ups for even small infractions, such as being late or, as one guy in the class found out, eating pancakes for breakfast on a Sunday with his wife. He had to do 140 push ups, poor guy, and Janice refused to allow us to break up the push ups into smaller increments and do them over several sessions. I got 40 extra push ups for eating two mini-Luna bars and then, the next day when I only ate 1, she gave me 60 push ups because she said I should have known better than to eat one again. ARG!
But despite that one set back, I thought that I was doing okay, until Janice drove me home Friday after boot camp class (it was too hot to be outdoors) and told me, after I related what I was eating, that I can't have more than one cup of lettuce salad or steamed broccoli. I generally have two cups of salad with a can of tuna mixed with hummus atop it, and I love broccoli so I tend to eat at least a couple of cups of it. "You can't be full," Janice told me. "You can eat until you are satisfied, but not until you are full." When I tried to explain to her that those are the same things to me, she said that they aren't the same at all. Apparently I am supposed to still be hungry all the time, I am assuming so that my stomach will shrink in capacity.
When I was in my 20s, I didn't mind going hungry, and in fact I got used to it after awhile. But now, 20 years later, I don't feel the same about being hungry. I don't really know if its worth it to me to starve myself again, just to lose a few pounds.
I also struggle like crazy in boot camp. I am nearly always the last in line, and it takes me more time to get through the exercises than it does anyone else. Plus, in last nights boot camp at Cedar River Park, we did an obstacle course that involved a lot of jumping and leaping, which is really hard on my left knee (which tends to hurt and give out on me) and by the time we had finished an hour of it, I was so wiped out I felt like I was going to keel over.
I find myself being discouraged, exhausted and questioning whether or not I should stay in this boot camp, or quit and just keep going with my regular WIO schedule of classes 5-6 times a week.
I do have a goal, and that 65 pounds is bound to come off of me at some point, but I just don't know if I can gut this out. The stress is terrible, there is only one person in the boot camp whom I can relate to, and she doesn't come to the camp but twice or three times a week, and not always on the same nights that I do. Everyone else in the camp seems to be keeping their distance from the lone fat gal, and when I tried to make a joke last night about my boobs jiggling too much, no one even bothered to laugh or act like they'd heard me. I felt invisible. And that's another problem, I can't seem to find a decent sports bra that allows me to do all this jumping around without having my big breasts flap and flop all over the place, which is embarrassing.
So I feel fat and stupid and like I have failed, and I am only 1 week and 1 day into boot camp.
What should I do?
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